fly.

Sexy and I know it/ EOS 5

My End-of-Semester (EOS) 5 is in two days. 

Two. Days.

That's two and a half years spent in IMU accumulated in one exam. 

It's the last exam I'll ever take in IMU. 

It's the only obstacle standing between me and going to Liverpool.

Sigh.

I have the right to be melodramatic.

"Sexy and I know it."

That's the way I want to feel before I enter the exam hall: happy, positive, grateful that I've made it this far. 

Nothing short of a miracle, really. 

On a side note, I'm so grateful to have such amazing friends who keep me sane and grounded and positive despite the ginormous exam cloud hanging over everyone's heads. I just hope we all make it through. :)

Also, I'm so appreciative of how quickly my panic mode fades away. Thanks, God. 

The worse thing you can do now is panic. 

The origins of bottled water

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

Always faithful

Are you passing through a testing.
Is your pillow wet with tears?
Do you wonder what the reason,
Why it seems God never hears?

Why it is you have no answer
To your oft, repeated plea,
Why the heaven still is leaden
As you wait on bended knee? 

Do you wonder as you suffer,
Whether God does understand,
And if so, why He ignores you,
Fails to hold you in His Hand? 

Do black doubts creep in, assail you,
Fears without--and fears within,
Till your brave heart almost falters
And gives way to deadly sin? 

All God's testings have a purpose,
Someday you will see the light.
All He asks is that you trust Him,
Walk by faith and not by sight. 

Do not fear when doubts beset you,
Just remember - He is near; 
He will never, never leave you,
He will always, always hear. 

Faithful is He who has promised,
He will never let you fall,
Daily will the strength be given
Strength for each and strength for all. 

He will gladly share pain with you,
He will gladly give you peace.
Till your tired and weary body
Finds its blessed, glad release. 

When the darkened veil is lifted,
Then, dear heart, you'll understand
Why it is you had to suffer,
Why you could not feel His hand 

Giving strength when it was needed,
Giving power and peace within
Giving joy through tears and trial,
Giving victory over sin.
So till then just keep on trusting,
Through the sunshine and the rain.

Story of my life.

Heather Janssen's Jump.

I had so much trouble dealing with finding courage, 

feeling you were in this as much as I was.

Then affection was there but my confidence dropped,

When you walked by I wouldn't stop.

My own actions, made you fade away.

It's better to say something than to say nothing at all, 

It's better to give it your all than to think your coming on too strong,

And shy away.

chorus:

So I'll jump in this like a fearless fighter jumping off a cliff into the water,

And I'll walk straight in, live it in the moment, let it move how it should, no assumptions,

And I'll let go of everything my heart held captive.

happy birthday, daddy

It's hard to believe that it's already been a year.

anyway, happy happy birthday, daddy.  : )

I really hope you're happy now.

So, Black Forest again? : )

joyceeting Joyce Ting 5 people within 1 year. Don't know how much more I can take

So another lodgian has suddenly left us. His name is Jeremy Tan. He's a year older than me and I don't him that well personally but I know his circle and his family. The shock stage has passed, the tears has passed, now's just the empty hollow feeling you get and you don't know what to do next.

My summative's on Friday and I've got 3 systems to cover. I feel like I'm still not understanding everything fully and when I do questions, I'm like whaat. So that's not good. I still got some time but then, this happens and I really don't feel like studying tonight. 

My friends from high school started talking about how if one of them did suddenly pass away as well, that they just wanted us to know that they loved each of us. So I figured, I should write something for everyone, in case my time should come and God decides that He thinks that I'm too good for medicine or Jesus is getting old and He needs fresh blood. (I am totally kidding by the way, humour is the only thing that keeps me going. so please no thunder from the skies striking me anytime soon. )

To my family, know that I love each of you, obviously duh. We're family! Though we may have our setbacks, at the end of the day, we're all family and blood related and all. And we've been through a lot together so that will never change. No matter how old I get, I always feel like the same small fat chubby kid who is always being spoilt by everyone, around you guys. I have just one small request to God, that if my time does come, I hope it comes after my mum, cause I don't think she can handle another personal tragic loss. And also, I hope that you'll grow close to God, despite whatever circumstances that gets thrown your way cause at the end of it all, He is what it's all about. So don't shut Him out. You need Him. 

To my high school friends (OMG), I love you guys. You'll always be the group that I can click best with and just be whoever I want to be. Joel, Phoebe, my oldest friends. You guys have proven to be my angels, time and time again. Only you guys understand me without words. I know, no matter how far, no matter what, I can count on you two, especially you, Phoebs. You're my true sister in life. Joyce, Peg, Rachel, I love you all. I love it when we're all back together and just laughing at Joel or Phoebe (it's always one of the two hobos). I pray that your lives will be fruitful and amazing and fantastic and that you'll all end up marrying and having beautiful children AND still keep in contact with each other. 

To my uni friends, I'm glad we've all grown closer in this few years studying together. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but we're still friends through it all. I pray that you'll all graduate and be wonderful medical professionals someday and we'll always remember it all started in IMU, with each of us. I hope our dreams of making our children play with each other, intermarry each other, or whatever ridiculous ideas we come up with next, will come true one day. I wish all of you the utmost happiness and blessings.

Please know, no matter what happens, don't ever walk away from God or turn away. 

When I was at my weakest, He was there. 

When I was at the midst of losing my mind, He kept me sane. 

When I broke down, He just listened. 

I'm still discovering God everyday, and I'm still learning but I understand now. I understand that we all have an expiry date, so stop acting like you're going be here forever cause you're not. 

Stop hating, stop fighting, stop resisting. Life is so much more than that. 

If the wind blows hard enough, the fire within you gets extinguished. Game over. 

So, don't you think you should be happy while you can? 

Do the things you love, 

love the people around you, 

be a source of joy for someone: 

just be happy. 

You only get one shot.

Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side

Why are you striving these days

Why are you trying to earn grace

Why are you crying

Let me lift up your face

Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough

To where will you go child

Tell me where will you run

To where will you run

And I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

And please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side

They swallowed the grave on that night

When I drank the world's sin

So I could carry you in

And give you life

I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

Music has this amazing way of just smacking you on the head and going 

"Oi, this is you la. Listen!"

Simple lyrics yet amazingly meaningful.

Megan Nicole's Beautiful

I wanna be blown away

I wanna be swept off my feet

I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe

I wanna be lost in love

I wanna be your dream come true

I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you

Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful

Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful

Heather Janssen's An Angel's Kiss = rocks

When the road is gone and i cant find my way
Heart broken not worth it at the end of the day
When the world is shaking making me insane
I fall down and i cant get up again.
When im lonely in a crowded place
When im in need of a familiar face
When it hurts to look back, im scared to look ahead.
I can look beside me you're standing there. 


You know you grow up (especially if you're from a Christian family), 

you grow up hearing all these stories from the Bible during ICF classes,
you know the famous ones like
Abraham & Issac,
David & Goliath,
Jacob & Esau
Jacob & The Technicoloured Dreamcoat
Samson & Delilah

Last night, I finally pieced the family tree together. Well, sort of.

I was reading about King Saul and how he disobeyed God's instructions.
Instead of fulfilling the command, Saul killed everything except the animals of best quality.
He kept them  for whatever reason and then later said he was going to use them as sacrifices to God.

I was thinking, what's wrong with that? Saul had good intentions, right?
Yeah he sort of bent the rules a little but he didn't mean any harm.

Well, wrong. It says God got really angry and disappointed in Saul,
to the point where He even regretted making Saul king.

Why?
For a while now, I've been wondering about a few things such as this:
What is it exactly that God expects from us?
 is it our good intentions? our sacrifices? our offerings?

So the wonderful thing about going to church is, you get to meet people who probably have already been in your shoes before and considered the same questions.

So I asked my leader and she told me to read 1 Samuel 15.

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices 

   as much as in obeying the LORD? 

To obey is better than sacrifice, 

   and to heed is better than the fat of rams. 

²³ For rebellion is like the sin of divination, 

   and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. 

Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, 

   he has rejected you as king.”

How many times have I foolishly tried to justify my actions?
Just so I can make myself sleep easier at night,
just so I can feel like a better person, or worse: a better Christian.
How many times have I spoke to someone and gave them my advice, as if they weighed like gold?
As if I was an expert and all knowing, all powerful.

The thing is, we all bend the rules sometimes,
just so we can 'adjust' God's word into our lives,
hence, it's a win win situation for all.

"oh I watch child porn but, hey at least I don't abuse kids."


"oh I have a mistress, but so did Abraham. And hey, Abraham was God's most faithful servant! 
And I only have one! Some of the big shots in the Bible had hundreds!"


"oh I haven't spoken to him in years, but hey, at least I didn't kill Abel like Cain did."


"oh I tithed last week, but hey at least I'm even tithing. That guy doesn't do it at all."

When put on trial, we are so defensive, so quick to judge or pass the blame to someone else.
Always comparing, always measuring the weight of our sins with others.

I don't know, maybe it's just me.
But I got really worried when I thought about Saul; how God took away his crown.
What about me? I've disobeyed Him more times than I can remember

Has He taken my 'crown' away?
What blessings have I missed as a result of my rebellious ways?

Then, my wonderful leader gave me another scripture which is Joel 2.:25, to reassure me.


²⁵And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.


Basically, saying that after the people repented, God said He'll make up for the lost time.

Hmm I kinda forgot the point I was trying to make.
Nah, maybe not every post needs a point.
:)

Tyler Ward's Good Life

Completely addicted to the melody of this song.

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

Oh this has gotta be a good life
This has gotta be a good life
This could really be a good life, good life
Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire 'night
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

fact #2

The Wonder - Color of Clouds

fact

I am not a nice person.

What's wrong with me?

I'm at this point in my life, it's come to a point where worship songs are no longer just meaningless words you sing during church services anymore.

I find myself unable to mouth the words sometimes because of what they mean.

My friend posted this song up and he shared something similar like about how hard it was to be so selfless like this song portrays. For me, it was a different song entirely that really left me speechless and completely emotional, and this was a song that we sang during the Red Alert Camp, which is this:

It was strange cause I really couldn't just say the words or sing the song.
I just stood there, and thought of everyone I knew, and what I would do if all of them walked away.
So yeah, I just stood there, feeling overwhelmed with all these emotions. And I guess the reason I couldn't say the words, and really mean it, was because it meant something huge:

it meant that though none come with me, still I will follow. 

So a ton of people's faces and names just popped into my head and I began to weep, because it hurt so much to even bear the thought of losing anyone of them to the enemy.

  I don't know what other term to use to refer to the bad guy, 

I don't like the "S" word or the "D" word, so "the enemy" it is. 

So it took me a while, and I still couldn't say the words. So I just prayed and prayed for the salvation and safety of my friends and family, especially the ones close to me. I prayed and prayed that God would be fair and merciful to all of us, despite our shortcomings, our arrogance, our pride, our deceitful and immoral ways, I prayed that He'll still give us a chance to repent and go to Heaven, every single one of us.

I don't want to get left behind, nor do I want anyone I know to get left behind. Sigh. I can't bear to imagine even just the thought of it. I think eventually, I slowly began to whisper the words, and mean them. It was difficult, it still is actually, but it was good in the sense, it made me realize that God is God. He's not someone to follow just because everyone's doing it or because your best friend's doing it. He's God, and you should really decide if you want to follow Him or not, and if you do, start acting like it.

I learnt soo much from the Red Alert Camp. I even had this interesting encounter with someone, on the day we were about to leave. But it's late so I'll save that for another post. But yeah, this random post about this song just came about after seeing my friend's facebook. :)

Ah.

Update

Reading my previous posts, I realized, I sound a tad bit sad and deep. Haha oh well.

Just finished playing basketball for IMU Cup and.. WE WON! :)
Hee hee! It was so intense though, from the moment the referee blew his whistle, we just went for it!

I don't know, I thought I was pretty rough with my partner but everyone said I was the most gentle player on the court. Hahaha which is kinda weird. But oh well. I didn't think they were too rough or played dirty. It's basketball yo. You're bound to push around a little.

I would post pictures but it's all in Amelia's DSLR. Oh well. One more big day tomorrow morning = Netball. Eek hope all goes well tomorrow! :) waking up at 6am is not fun. Ah gosh. Hopefully, we'll come back with a gold and make Pegasus proud :)

This is just a babble post, just to dust off my lonely neglected blog. :)

Hope you're all well. :)

Rambles

I HATE it when people blame God for everything.

I've been feeling so far away from God recently, what with my absence from Eaglepoint Puchong for 3 months. Has it been 3 months? I think so. Wow, that's a lot of Saturday nights wasted. I haven't been skipping but with the semester breaks and holidays and my flight always being either on Friday nights or Saturday mornings, I've missed out on a lot of SNL services, sadly.

I went to a church in Kuching but it didn't feel homey and it wasn't very welcoming. 

I don't know, maybe it's cause I haven't been in touch with God for so long. 

I know God can be found everywhere, not just in church, but to be honest, it's the only time I ever fully just spend some time with Him. 

Despite having 24 hours of free time in a day, I still can't find some time to just hang out with God and read the Bible.

It's ridiculous I know, I was never an avid Bible reader. Hopefully, that will change though. I know what it's like to feel God's presence around you, to see God everywhere you go in your daily routine. And it's FANTASTIC! 

During those few weeks after Victory Weekend, I felt so close to God. 

I literally thought about Him often and talked to Him quite often too. 

Then, there was that Easter Celebration in IMU which was absolutely moving. 

The dance performance by June and the others was so touching, I teared up a little.

I could feel and see the love the performers had for God in their swift and graceful movements. 

It wasn't about showing off their dance skills but, it was more like a personal message to God which really really touched me. 

Anyway, it was my own fault, for some reason, that feeling died down. 

And here we are. 

I miss SNL so much, because I miss my friends there, that familiar comfortable atmosphere, the worship time, and the witty yet incredibly interesting sermons the pastors gave. 

I felt so content, peaceful, happy there.

Regarding the first line of this post, last night, for the first time in a long time, I opened my Bible and read it. Mine's really helpful in the sense, the front few pages are categorized to different sections like "Making Decisions" or "Temptations" and under it, there'll be a few verses that explain it. 

And I've been feeling very confused regarding this decision that I have to make really soon, well actually the deadline's this Thursday. 

And I still don't know what I should do. 

I've been praying for an answer cause I figured, you can't go wrong with God.

And the first time was hurtful enough. This time, I want to do it right. So I opened my Bible and read under "Making Decisions", I found this verse.

Proverbs 3:3-6

"If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgement and common sesne, then trust the Lord COMPLETELY.Don't ever trust yourself. In EVERYTHING you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success."

Appropriate,right? Which is why I'm still waiting for God to give me a definite clear answer regarding my situation.

And for my nagging feeling of what's delaying God from replying my prayer is, I found this verse.

Jeremiah 30:13

"You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest."

Sigh, I'm not a preacher or anywhere qualified enough to be telling someone what they should and should not do, and if I come across as someone who does, then I sincerely apologized. 

For I am flawed, 

very very very very flawed. 

I've turned my back on God so many times and I still have doubts and questions that I wish God could just answer for me. 

So when I tell you a verse or something I've read from the Bible, 

I'm not showing off to your face that 

"Oh, I'm way holier than you", 

because that is a complete lie and a joke, for that matter. 

I'm telling you because I just so happened to have read something that is along the lines of the problem you're facing. 

I'm not rubbing it in your face, 

I'm telling you cause it just so happened I read it. 

And I remembered it. 

Which is a miracle. 

Because I'm really forgetful. 

I don't see the point of keeping something away from someone if you think it might help that person with their situation? Especially if it's someone you care about.

I am not a holy person. 

I don't think anyone will ever be, because no one can be as sinless as Jesus was. 

Wow, I do sound like a preacher. Freaky. 

But it's just my opinion. 

I used to think people who preached God or talked funny like with 'God this' and 'God that', were nutjobs. 

I thought they were just trying to tell the world that they knew the Bible and were holy. 

But then, I came back to God because I met a person like that. 

I came back to God because I was jealous of the change that occurred in that person's life after he came to accept Christ.

 I was jealous, ashamed and embarrassed that after so many years of knowing God, my spiritual life remained stagnant whereas this person, whom had just accepted Christ, was already well on his way up the Heaven-chain, so to speak. 

Basically, I mean, he was progressing in his faith and spiritual life.

It pains me to know that this person is no longer the same person that made me want to change my spiritual lifestyle. 

It pains me to know he's hurting and he can't even talk to God about it. 

It pains me to not know what his future may be like. 

It just hurts.

Kerrie Roberts - Keep Breathing

Keep breathing, you'll make it,

Don't give in, you're not done yet

Sometimes all that you can do is to keep breathing, and believing,

Don't let go,

Just hang on tight a little longer,

When you feel like you're dying,

Keep breathing

Don't give up, cause you are not done yet.