The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

happy birthday, daddy

It's hard to believe that it's already been a year.

anyway, happy happy birthday, daddy.  : )

I really hope you're happy now.

So, Black Forest again? : )

joyceeting Joyce Ting 5 people within 1 year. Don't know how much more I can take

So another lodgian has suddenly left us. His name is Jeremy Tan. He's a year older than me and I don't him that well personally but I know his circle and his family. The shock stage has passed, the tears has passed, now's just the empty hollow feeling you get and you don't know what to do next.

My summative's on Friday and I've got 3 systems to cover. I feel like I'm still not understanding everything fully and when I do questions, I'm like whaat. So that's not good. I still got some time but then, this happens and I really don't feel like studying tonight. 

My friends from high school started talking about how if one of them did suddenly pass away as well, that they just wanted us to know that they loved each of us. So I figured, I should write something for everyone, in case my time should come and God decides that He thinks that I'm too good for medicine or Jesus is getting old and He needs fresh blood. (I am totally kidding by the way, humour is the only thing that keeps me going. so please no thunder from the skies striking me anytime soon. )

To my family, know that I love each of you, obviously duh. We're family! Though we may have our setbacks, at the end of the day, we're all family and blood related and all. And we've been through a lot together so that will never change. No matter how old I get, I always feel like the same small fat chubby kid who is always being spoilt by everyone, around you guys. I have just one small request to God, that if my time does come, I hope it comes after my mum, cause I don't think she can handle another personal tragic loss. And also, I hope that you'll grow close to God, despite whatever circumstances that gets thrown your way cause at the end of it all, He is what it's all about. So don't shut Him out. You need Him. 

To my high school friends (OMG), I love you guys. You'll always be the group that I can click best with and just be whoever I want to be. Joel, Phoebe, my oldest friends. You guys have proven to be my angels, time and time again. Only you guys understand me without words. I know, no matter how far, no matter what, I can count on you two, especially you, Phoebs. You're my true sister in life. Joyce, Peg, Rachel, I love you all. I love it when we're all back together and just laughing at Joel or Phoebe (it's always one of the two hobos). I pray that your lives will be fruitful and amazing and fantastic and that you'll all end up marrying and having beautiful children AND still keep in contact with each other. 

To my uni friends, I'm glad we've all grown closer in this few years studying together. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but we're still friends through it all. I pray that you'll all graduate and be wonderful medical professionals someday and we'll always remember it all started in IMU, with each of us. I hope our dreams of making our children play with each other, intermarry each other, or whatever ridiculous ideas we come up with next, will come true one day. I wish all of you the utmost happiness and blessings.

Please know, no matter what happens, don't ever walk away from God or turn away. 

When I was at my weakest, He was there. 

When I was at the midst of losing my mind, He kept me sane. 

When I broke down, He just listened. 

I'm still discovering God everyday, and I'm still learning but I understand now. I understand that we all have an expiry date, so stop acting like you're going be here forever cause you're not. 

Stop hating, stop fighting, stop resisting. Life is so much more than that. 

If the wind blows hard enough, the fire within you gets extinguished. Game over. 

So, don't you think you should be happy while you can? 

Do the things you love, 

love the people around you, 

be a source of joy for someone: 

just be happy. 

You only get one shot.

RIP Ms Teo 2011

Another person's light has been extinguished this morning, and this person is none other than my Form 5 English teacher, Ms Teo. As usual, the initial reaction is hock, a state of  being completely speechless. Then, come denial immediately after. Then, maybe anger will drop by, then the temporary numbness for everything before you.

But this wasn't the case for me, when I heard via facebook how my once witty and full of life teacher, had left the Earth, forever. 

In a way, I'm glad I didn't run into her in Normah while I was doing my attachment, cause I didn't want to lose the last memory I have of her, that is, making some sort of sarcastic comeback to the guys when they were being rowdy. 

Then, again, a small part of me wished I had seen her, like Eric did when he was attached to the doctor in charge of her, Dr. Lau. 

He got to see her twice, one conscious, happy, liveful and the next, semi conscious, vulnerable, uncommunicative. 

This was all in the span of a week. 

When I spoke to her doctor during lunch, he said she was sent home to be with her family and when I asked how long he thought she had? 

He replied with a sombre, "Days." 

Well, he made a mistake. It was more like a 'day'.

 I sincerely hope that wherever she is now, I pray that she's in Heaven, sharing a joke with the angels or meeting my dad for the first time.

 If she is in Heaven, I hope there's golf, cigarettes and beer for her there too. :)

Never forgotten. 

It's funny how life can just come and go like that. 

It's like.. one day you're seeing a person and the next, they're gone. 

You can't see them anymore, or ever. 

It's as if they went on an extended holiday somewhere around the world, and they're still here, just you can't ever see them again. 

Yeah, a holiday, that's what it feels like. 

Cause death, death is strange to me. 

I still can't fathom how one loses someone. 

I don't know Ms. Teo all that well, but she taught me for two years and now, 

she's just gone. 

I don't think I'll ever understand death, until when it maybe comes for me next.

Life seems so fragile nowadays, it feels like everyone you know is dropping down from left and right. Celebrities are dying, 

childhood friends of friends passed,

 family members have gone, 

that childhood family man you knew so well is gone forever too. 

It's like death is really ringing in the year, these past few years. 

I remember a time when I could go for years without ever knowing anyone passing away, 

I wish it was like that again.

As for her family members, I pray that the card we're preparing for her, 

provides them with some comfort and that they'll know that her time in Lodge, was never spent in vain. 

Her students still remember, love and will always cherish the precious moments when we had her to ourselves for 40minutes in a day. 

And I'm truly sorry for your loss.

another one bites the dust

Life is honestly fleeting.

My mum just told me that a family friend had passed away, just recently.

The last time I saw this man, was at my dad's funeral.

Guess now it's his turn. Hmm. But I know for a fact that this man believed in God, and if I'm not mistaken, he even tried to convince my dad to go to church a couple of times.
So at least, I'm comforted by the fact, he's probably in Heaven with everyone else now.

Sigh. I just feel so sorry for his wife and the children he left behind. She must be going through hell right now.

I hope she finds solace in time, and knows that he's really in a better place.

Aunty Nancy said she actually went to Heaven once, and it was so beautiful that when she woke up, she told her husband and daughters not to pray or wish for her to come back if she ever passed away.
She never wanted to leave Heaven again. 

Haha she said when people pass away, it should be a time of celebration.

 So for her funeral, she hopes her husband will play that 'in Jesus, I'm born again' song and serve durian to all her guests. 

Haha I found that hilarious, but it definitely made sense. 

I mean, who doesn't love a good durian fest? :)

Anyway, have a blessed day everyone.

Hopefully this week will be over soon.

Dear God, so let Your will be done

I will be satisfied with whatever the outcome. 

But please, prepare me for either answer. 

Thank you. Amen. 

that must have been some kiss

This headlining article title is something you never thought you would ever see:

"Shy girl, 18, shares first kiss with boyfriend... then collapses and dies from rare heart condition"

Either the boy is a Death Eater or he's a really really really amazing kisser.

Poor guy, probably traumatized for life now. Wonder if he'll ever be able to kiss someone the same without his heart skipping a beat. (not in romantic sense, but in the omg-am-i-gonna-kill-her-too-shit-shit-shit-please-don't-die-whew sense)

Apparently, she has a rare heart condition called Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndrome (SADS). I thought it sounded very strange, to good to be true sort of way, so I googled it up. And it's a real disease.

"Sudden arrhythmia death syndromes (SADS) are genetic heart conditions that can cause sudden death in young, apparently healthy people. (the girl was said to be very athletic and joined numerous sporty activities.) These conditions can be treated and deaths can be prevented.

Warning Signs: family history of unexpected, unexplained sudden death under age 40; fainting or seizure during exercise, excitement or startle; consistent or unusual chest pain &/or shortness of breath during exercise."

Wrongdiagnosis.com had this to say about SADS:

"A genetic heart disorder characterized by an abnormal heart rhythm which can result in sudden death in otherwise healthy people. It is caused by a genetic defect which affects the hearts electrical activity. Examples of disorders that can cause lethal heart rhythm abnormalities are Long QT syndrome, Brugada syndrome, certain drugs, idiopathic ventricular fibrillation and sodium channel disease."

Hmm, interesting. At least now if SADS ever turn up in PBL, I'll be able to not look completely daft :)

Dear Daddy

This year, I lost my hero. I lost a man who taught me everything I know about character, morals, medicine and life. Obviously, words can't describe how great of a man he really is, or was whatever. I am not saying this just because you know, he's passed and it was my dad but in my opinion, HE really really really was a great man.

He wasn't a man who stood by the sidelines and went 'Oh, I wish I could do that' or 'Oh, I wish I had done that'. No, instead he was the type of man that really lived life to its fullness, taking on whatever adventures he could, from boating in the largest waves I've ever seen to flying to the highest cloud in the sky. Boating, fishing, flying airplanes (controlled ones and actual aircrafts), catching prawns, fixing cars, gardening, the list could go on.

Looking back, you can't help but smile at all the adventurous and fun activities I got to do with him. I remember the infamous time we went on jet skis in the Sarawak River and FELL IN. All because my dad was having a little too much fun which resulted in us, being flung into the murky waters. Haha that was a good day, albeit frightening as hell, but a fun day nevertheless. Or the time I nearly drowned in the swimming pool in Damai Resort and my dad, who saw me struggling, dove straight in, completely ignoring the fact that his wallet and his phone were in his pocket at the time. (I remember being more terrified about the destroyed phone than the actual drowning lol.) I don't remember much from that incident, but I just remember seeing lots of bubbles and a sense a of weightlessness, then suddenly, I was being pulled back to life, to light. All because of my dad.

Sigh. As a child, you never EVER expect something like this to happen to YOUR family. Sure, the family next door, or the family you see at coffee shops or the family you just met like once, but NEVER your own. This is a surreal feeling. I found this verse a few nights before I returned home and I didn't really understand it completely at the time, but now I do.

It says:

King David said to his son Solomon, "Be confident and determined. Start the work and don't let anything stop you. The Lord God, whom I serve, will be with you. He will not abandon you, but he will stay with you until you finish the work to be done on his Temple." - 1 Chronicles 28:20


I understand it now and it scares me how true this verse is. I've never been an avid Bible reader but for the past few nights before going home, I've actually picked up the Bible a couple of times in search for some understanding. It's truly eerie and amazing at the same time, how one simple verse can sum up so much.

Anyway, for those who could not attend the church service for my dad, I'm going to include some of the major events that occurred like the incredibly moving slideshow my sister, Diana prepared for him and the awesomely written eulogy my sister, Lena spoke during the service.

To the people who attended the service to pay their respects, sent their condolences and flowers, or helped out in any way possible: I would like to sincerely say thank you from the bottom of my heart from me and my family. Though my dad has moved on, I can't help feeling a sense of serenity and bliss around me. Yes, I will continue to miss him and think about him daily, but most importantly, I hope to continue building and strive to do justice to the legacy he left behind.

Here's to a man who has really set the bar up high for me, in regards to men in general. So, yeah, tough luck trying to find a man like my dad out there. lol sighs guess you can always hope eh?

"My father may be known to many of you seated here today as a doctor, a surgeon, work colleague, flying aircraft member, boat club member, sports car enthusiast, food lover, music lover, and the list goes on as he had so many different interests in life, but for me, he was just simply my daddy.


My dad was my hero. Sometimes, as a junior doctor, you find yourself looking for senior doctors that would inspire you and motivate you to do more, learn more, to push your limits. I was fortunate enough to not have to look far because I had someone like that as my dad.


The fact that all my siblings are in the medical profession I think pays homage to how infectious his passion for medicine was. He loved his job and as children, we would listen to him go on and on about things he had learned or done or challenging cases that he had managed to make right. I know he loved working at Normah Medical Specialist Centre and I always remember what great fun and banter he had with staff and colleagues there whenever I visited.


He was a jack of all trades. In a day, his chores could include a variety of things including fiddling with his sports car, fixing a faulty plumbing system, lighting system, air conditioning, carpentry, working on his boat or playing with light aircrafts. There was nothing that he would not get stuck in or try and do. All this, on top of his day job of being a top surgeon.


I can think of so much more to say but at the end of the day, this is what I remember:


A generous man who never thought twice about helping anyone in need or giving medical advice freely.


A kind man who always found time to speak to anyone and never held grudges.


A righteous man who always stood up for what he believed to be fair and he always tried to teach us the importance of this.


A jovial man always full of jokes on demand. Whenever he was around, there would always be laughter.


A protective man, always trying to shield my mum and us from the evils of the world.


A strong willed man who never gave up even when all odds seemed stack against him. Despite all that he went through, he never complained or grumbled. He just grinned and bore it. 


A loving husband who always brought my mum with him wherever he went. She was his most precious possession. They were seldom apart. 

Most of all, I remember my daddy as someone who loved his children tremendously. He had unwavering support, encouragement and praise for us. He humored us when we were down and beamed with pride when we excelled.


I am grateful to the Pastor and the church members of Faith Methodist Church for all their help, support and prayer. My father was baptized last month and it gave him a lot of comfort knowing that he did not have to fear death.  


My hero, my daddy has passed on and he leaves behind myself, Albert, Diana, Sandra and my mother to carry on the family name. We are so proud of him, of all that he was, and all that he would have liked to achieve if times had been different. I am so proud to be my father's daughter. 


Daddy, we really miss you and I know nothing can bring you back but I really hope you come and visit us even if in our dreams, to continue to encourage us and support us as you always have. Help us use all the happy memories we have with you to keep us going.


I want to thank all of you for coming today. Your presence is very comforting to us to know that my dad was so well loved. For close friends and relatives who have gone the extra mile to help, you know who you are and thank you.


I will end with a short presentation of pictures, with my dad's favorite song.


This is really it now. Goodbye daddy. We love you."

...

"Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed for God, is with you, He will not fail you, nor forsake you, until all the work for the service of God be finished." -  1 Chronicles 28:20

Where are you?

Why don't you show yourself?

I need you.

...

I just realized how little pictures I have of you.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

To those whom have lost

This post is dedicated to a friend of mine who sadly passed in April of last year. If that's not enough, he passed the day after my birthday; which he attended and helped made the surprise birthday party a huge success. Then, the following night, I got a text from Phoebs, that he had passed. That night, I cried myself to sleep. The next day in Taylor's University, I felt robotic.. I felt like I was watching a movie whereby everything was moving in slow motion. The first thing I did was, I went to Phoeb's apartment at Myplace and we just sort of sat on her bed, dazed and quiet. Afterwards, we went to uni together, and met up with the rest of the usual gang, all whom were from Lodge School, and just sat there while many were crying uncontrollably. I remember clearly how, despite this tragedy, life was still going on as usual. Many students were walking their way to classes, laughing, texting, talking to friends with the usual sleepy-I-just-woke-up faces.

No one seemed to notice that someone who was wonderful, kind, sweet, considerate and funny, had just passed into the void.

I remember vaguely, walking to class late because I didn't want to move at first. But as the group dispersed, I went anyway. I arrived late and I still remember it was Biology class and Mrs. Ong gave me a face for my tardiness. Instead of taking my usual seat, at the back of the class with my friends, I sat at the table closest to the door, wanting to be alone. Li Ji, the person I usually sat next to, even said 'Hey, there's a seat here.' but I just ignored her and turned my back to everyone.

What was being taught that day? I have no idea. I just sat there, thinking, texting my friends, and then crying. Luckily, no one bothered me with stupid questions. The part that made me tear up the most, was when some people at the back were talking about 'the boy who jumped off the condo' or 'the boy who committed suicide' or 'the boy from sarawak'. I was furious when they so carelessly assumed that he had committed suicide because he's not that kinda person. He was too full of life and love to do such a selfish act. So I texted that girl, who heard the rumor, correcting her. I guess that's when everyone found out that he was my friend.

Somewhere in between that class, I excused myself and went out to sit by the stairs. I cried and cried and blasted Hillsongs in my ipod. I felt it was somewhat comforting and I replayed the song 'From Inside Out' by Hillsongs over and over and over and over again. I don't remember exactly the sequence of events of that morning, but I do know I went downstairs to the cafeteria where I met Eric, Jon, Chiah Hui and Phoebs. Everyone had the same solemn expression, we exchanged a few words then departed to our separate classes. 


I still remember I was suppose to go to 'The Web', to do this online survey for Maths. My classmates were kind enough to bring down my things for me. Next, was Physics Lab. I considered just skipping the whole class but I really respected my teacher, Mr. Yong and thought I should, at least, give him an excuse, in person. He was really sweet, he gave me one look and said 'Yeah sure. Go back get some rest. You look really sick.' Curious, I went to the bathroom and realized that the statement 'He was so sick his face turned green' wasn't an exaggeration but literal. The mirror showed a ghost, someone pale and sad, someone I didn't recognize.


I texted Phoebe and she said the rest of them were just going to skip class and head to Asia Cafe where everyone else were sitting. I followed suit. I took a seat next to Brian Eddy. In attendance, Wooi Lee was there, some of Aaron's closest classmates, and the rest of the Lodgian girls. It was strange, everywhere around us, there were loud noises, from the music blaring in the speakers to the food vendors cooking to students eating and laughing. Everyone was just going on about their business, as if, nothing had happened. Our table was so quiet, I kept trying to hold it in but failing whenever I thought about him. Some people were talking about his parents, asking to find out what happened etc.


It was a long day. I can't really remember much that happened after that. 


All I could think about was how we were all so happy and laughing, without a care in the world, just a day ago, on my 18th birthday. No doubt, he gave me the greatest birthday gift I could ask for; his presence. It took me a long time before I could post my condolences on his facebook wall, because I couldn't stop crying whenever I looked at his display picture.


Days after he passed, I was so worried about forgetting him, his voice, his ever-hilarious presence. He literally lit up the room when he entered because he would always be cracking jokes or swearing in cantonese. I alwayws found him hilarious. I was most afraid of forgetting how he sounded, how he spoke, how he joked. Then, I realized, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's not forgotten. And I haven't forgotten him. It's been a year 6 months and 24 days, if my math doesn't fail me. And, throughout that time, I have thought of him. 


I think about him whenever someone mentions the name 'Aaron' or when 'Boston' by Augustana and 'From The Inside Out' by Hillsongs is being played or whenever someone jokes about wanting to jump off a building or when someone mentions the name of the condo where he fell. I never laugh at those jokes anymore, instead, I keep quiet and reflect about the great guy I had the pleasure of knowing. In this case, I really hope that he's found a place in Heaven among other great people that I know. 


Take care and God bless Aaron, always.


1st September 1991 - 8th April 2009


I only wrote this post because his best friend wrote a note about him. If you have trouble viewing this fb note since you aren't friends in him, here's another link. Because of his note, it made me want to say something about him as well, from my point of view. 


Life is short, we should embrace the fullness of it. It's not just a saying anymore, not to me at least.